Slowly I Turn

O.k. I like the rhetoric, but seriously on this point: name a Republican cabinet member (that isn't being replaced in a yea or so).

Don't fucking tell me you like my rhetoric and then say, "but seriously on the subject" because you don't agree with my opinion and apparently have the ability to tell the fucking future so your cynical ass view on it is serious but mine is not because I don't chose to believe the worst in people or the future.
FUCK YOU

I am so damn tired of people being rude to me because I do not share their cynical views on the world.  My opinion is not less serious.  My observation of the present is most certainly not less serious than some sarcastic unfounded supposition about the future.

This is my journal and I am getting this rant out here as I did not want to comment like this on my friends journal because I do not want to start a fight on someone else's journal out of respect for her.  I am constantly being told that my opinion on things is wrong, not serious, or naive because I do not look at the world through cynical eyes.  Well screw you.

Front: "I am at peace with my age."
The card shows a bust of a woman with her eyes closed and feeling at peace. There are blocks and circles of various colors.

Back: "Each age has its own special joys and experiences.  I am always the perfect age for when I am in life."
The background is more various shapes and circles.
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The only time in my life I have had a problem with my age is when I was a teenager.  I desperately wanted to be older and away from other teenagers.  I can see my age possibly bothering if/when I get into school.  I have been prepping myself for the age difference, and I hope I have gotten myself into a state of mind that will be healthy and help alleviate any anxiety I might have on the subject.

The other thing that comes to mind when thinking about my age is that I was really looking forward to 30.  I was truly excited by it.  And this year has been a fairly steady flow of hurt, and disappointment, which over all really bothers me.  This was supposed to be my big year.  So there will have to be a big bash for my 31st obviously.  :-)

Front: "I forgive myself."
The background is purple and there are various painted flowers surrounding the words.  The letters are all in different colors also.

Back: "As I forgive myself, I leave behind all feelings of not being good enough, and I am free to love myself."
The background is mostly purple with some blue, and has one large flower bending over the words.
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So many of you know that I have been very overwhelmed with guilt over my father's suicide.  It is a hard thing.  And like I told my therapist this morning, the card is very appropriate, but I am not ready yet.  I just am not there yet.  She reassured me that it is ok to not be there yet, but I should be striving to be able to forgive myself.  That one day at some point in the undetermined future I will come to accept that it is not my fault and hopefully then I will forgive myself.  But it is ok I am not there right now.  It is still very new and very hard, and these things can not be rushed.

Here is the previous Card of the Day posts that I forgot to x-post here.

1.5.09
After a couple of great suggestions I decided to do something new.  Many many moons ago...like 6 years ago, my High Priestess gave me a set of cards to help me through a stressful time in my ex marraige.  They are wonderful cards.  I am going to try to draw one every morning and post about it. 
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Front: "I love Life"
There is a green background with a girl holding a hose watering a sunflower.

Back: "It is my birthright to live fully and freely.  I give to life exactly what I want life to give me. I am glad to be alive.  I love life."
It is written in yellow on a purple background.
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This couldn't be more appropriate for today.  I was watching Oprah today, she was talking about her weight.  At the end of the show they had several questions for you to ask yourself.  My answer to the first question, "Why are you overweight?" shocked me.  "Because I have given up.  I have lost my zest for life."  I told David this and he told me I was plenty zesty, I just have to re-awaken it.  So for the rest of the day, I am focusing on that.  I do love life. :-D

Regret is a very serious word for me.  Until a two months ago I did not let regret into my life. Why?  Because I have always found something to learn from everything that has happened to me in my life, and with that I had a sense of acceptance that even my mistakes played an important part in my life. Even not sticking up for myself enough in my youth. I can look back at those things and see how my experiences then have formed who I am now.  And now, as who I am now, I can see how my fathers suicide will form me into someone else, in the future when, I come out of the kiln.  But for the first time, I feel regret.

There are many things I can see in my history with my father that lead me to a place of regret, but what is most interesting to me is the fact that since that door has opened, I seem to be letting other regrets in.  Like, back in October of last year, my cousin Ian got married.  I desperately wanted to go, but could not make it work.  Even though I could see no way to make it work, I regret not making it work.  It's really weird for me.  And also it is hard.  There was a complexity and simplicity to being able to look back upon ones life without regret.  And it is very strange to feel this new emotion.

Now, I am not overwhelmed by it, or in an emotional state by it, I am simply examining it.  And at some point down the road I expect that I will appreciate it and be able to look back at it as a healthy experience.  Especially since I have been reconnecting with my inner hippie.  I have place inside where I can be at peace with the world around me.  Now I can't always get there, but at least I have found the door again and know the space is available.

Front: "Life is simple and easy"
The card has a man barefoot and bareback on a horse. going across a whispy light green field and a pretty blue sky background.

Back: "All that I need to know at any given moment is revealed to me.  I trust myself and I trust life.  All is well.
The background is like the front without the man and horse.
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Well, since I just finished that post on regret that I started the other day, one line on this card is really sticking out to me, "All that I need to know at any given moment is revealed to me."  I desperate want to have helped my dad more than I did, but this makes me think about the fact that maybe I wasn't supposed to.  That is not easy for me to accept, but it does have me thinking about it.